Scene: the opened garage at a typical mass-produced house in a typical American suburb. Dusk. A mother is attempting various exercises, including 1,400 jumpropes, bicycles, sets of 40-second planks, and a variety of arm exercises.
Mother, jumping yet another set of 100 jump ropes: (one, two, three, four, five, si-)
Kid: Hey Moooooom? Can I have Oreos?
Mother: (SIX, seven, eight, nine,te-)
Kid: MOM? Can I have five Oreos?
Mom: FOUR. You (ten) can (eleven) have (twelve) four (thirteen. thirteen? four? fourteen? shit!)
Kid: But I want five Oreos.
Mom: (stops jumping) No. You can have four. Or zero if you ask me again.
Kid: Four! (runs inside house)
Mom: Shit. Fuck. Piss. Where was I ...
Ten minutes later...
Mom, attempting bicycle exercise for the first time. Hips popping: One. Ow. Two. Three.
Kid, pops in: Hey MOM! Did you know?!??! There is a bad robot in the Transformers?
Mom: OH YEAH? *only* twenty* MORE ... SEC-
Kid: YEAH, he's really bad. DID YOU KNOW THAT HE CAUSED A BIG FIGHT? WITH THE ODDER ROBOTS? AND HE HAD RED EYES? WHY DID HE HAVE RED EYES? AND-
Mom: YEAH that's great. *pop pop pop* Can you go inside now please?
Kid: why?
Mom: I'll see you in a bit.
Kid: But why?
Mom: I'll see you in a bit.
Kid: OK! (door slams)
Ten minutes after that ...
Mom, counting her reps of pull downs: (one, two, three, sweat rolls into eye, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten)
Kid: Hey mom! HOOOOOOW come this show with da REAL people talk about the Dragon Warrior?
Mom: (eleven) wha? (sweat rolls into other eye)
Kid: *sigh* The Dragon Warrior, Mom! You know!!!! Just like Kung Fu Panda! With Tigress, and the snake and the crane and they all thought they were the Dragon Warrior but NUH_UH! It was Panda! PANDA WAS THE DRAGON WARRIOR! so how can a real people be a Dragon Warrior, too? Why Mom? Why?
Mom: *sigh* I don't know.
Kid: But why, mom? tell it! tell it!
Mom: I don't know. (seven? eleven? shit!)
Kid: why mom? why?
Mom: *sigh* can you go please sit down inside? I don't remember where I was.
Kid: Actually mom, you're *supposed* to say 'Now where was I?' (door slams)
/end scene/
I realize some PCPers with kids have completed the PCP before me perhaps without complaint or distraction, but but but but but .... I felt like I was on Jeopardy WHILE attempting the hardest exercises of my life. Now ... I don't know if Patrick our fearless leader has any offspring, but dude, I'd like to see him complete his toughest PCP workout with a mini Alex Trebeck, I'm thinking ages 3 to 6 years old, with question after question after question while he focuses on new, difficult exercises that are literally ripping his muscles. And did I mention the sweat? In the eyes? Just a friendly little thought I had. With the sweat. In my eyes. With my chatty kid. And all her questions. As my muscles ripped.
Why are bicycles coming before pull-downs?
ReplyDeleteI don't have kids, and much respect for those who do, I don't know how you do it but you always manage to rock the PCP despite the distractions.
Just think of what a good example you're setting. Maybe a few more times and the question won't be about how many Oreos but how many sets she can do!
No offense, but the sugar high your daughter probably got from four oreos couldn't have helped the cause. Even before the PCP, I could barely eat three without going wacky. One things about the PCP, it's made me think hard about what I'm putting in my child's stomach as well. Keep up the good fight, Mel!
ReplyDeleteHILARIOUS and TRUEN I LOVE IT! Hang in there, send her my way next time- say "hey go see what Laura and Roman are doing....."
ReplyDeleteI love how you guys first focus on 1. the order of the exercises 2. the number of Oreos ;) THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT GENTLEMEN. You obviously have never met my daughter, who is nonstop energy from the moment she rises to the moment I put her in the sack. Which is why I love her ... even when I am cursing Patrick for his daily torture and her incessant curiosity.
ReplyDeleteThanks PCP for letting me blow off some steam in a satircal fashion.
p.s. sean, the world can never have enough Oreos, in my opinion
p.p.s. patrick, zip it. ;) xoxoxo