Day Five: Red Glare

Last night I visited with friends at a home BBQ for the Fourth of July. It was a hoot. It was also a challenge.

The kiddo and I were there for about five hours, and I was offered food and boozy drinks often. Sure, I ate my dinner portion (one kabob of grilled chicken, mushroom and zucchini; a five Doritos -- instead of five handfuls -- and one salt-less, butter-less ear of corn, and a glass of ice water) and it was a wonderful meal with loved ones and I felt full, both in tummy and heart.

But when faced with the repeated question of well-intentioned hosts who asked Are you sure you don't need a drink? Are you sure you aren't hungry? I definitely felt the little angel and little devil on my shoulders debating that very issue. Even though my mouth said No, I'm fine thank you for asking, my mind, and later my stomach, struggled with issue. But rules are rules, and I really didn't want to bend the rules less than a week into the PCP. If I thought it was hard now ...

But near the end of the night my very good friend commented on how she was proud of me. And that's the best kind of positive reinforcement if I ever saw it and was grateful that anyone noticed I was truly, really trying.

The exercise routine (jumping rope followed by a series of some combination of sit-ups, lunges, push-ups and squats) currently continue to be the easiest part of the PCP. The mental struggle with food, for me, is the worst. I am realizing that I eat out of habit rather than actual hunger, I eat most of my calories in the evening rather than throughout the day, and that my decreased calorie intake is making me grumpy and very sensitive to things I would not normally get bent out of shape for, like my child asking for her dinner once we got home from school/work (and an insane lady who momentarily stepped into my body and stole my brain instantly thought at this request GAH you selfish child! Um yeah. That was weird.) or how my right contact lens is a little dry and therefore makes me want to lay down and sob on the floor of this coffeehouse right at this very moment and how my brain wants to rationalize that the second half of my morning bagel would make it all go away.

But, I take a deep breath, and I remember this.