The Weatherman called it an Active Week

Photo of my friend's backyard yesterday. Yep, there's even more snow today.

Hello, hello. Just chillin' in my house. No, really. It's like 20 degrees outside with a foot of snow on the ground and it started snowing again just now. Boulder got 21 inches of snow. Um, it's October, people. It's flippin' cold in my garage and my car is now parked in it. No jumpropes for me the last two days. Just some arm bands and stomach exercises but really I would like the PCP to be over with so it's this thing I want to do again. I'm in survival mode. My little crisis with my ex just hangs over my head, and will do so for the next two weeks at least, and not to sound bitter or melodramatic but it makes things like counting grams and and exercising until failure seem unimportant.

I got to thinking about sacrifice lately. And I think you really need to be in the right mindset to complete the PCP. I'll finish it in a few days and I will be really glad, but I don't feel like I completed it the way I could have or should have or hoped for. I think about maybe not being in the right mindset, or how I was and how I am not anymore. I'll be glad when it's over not because I can eat an indulgence I want but it will just be one less thing to do, to worry about. I guess I don't know if I am cut out for the PCP, though I do think about reviving it in January maybe when or if life resumes a sense of normalcy. Remember when life was boring? Right now there is too much drama; I've cried every night for the last two weeks. I find the strength to get out of bed and put on a fake smile for the kid. I feel like I don't have any strength left beyond that really. There is a reason the PCP doesn't take on new people during these wintry months, I suppose. Holidays, travel, weather. My little family dynamic is changing drastically fast and financial worries crowd into my brain. I didn't expect this. It feels like a bomb went off. I feel derailed. Half-hearted. I still pay attention to my food choices, but I could care less if I eat another yogurt ever in my life. ;) Sure I'm grouchy and I apologize because, really, I am a fun person and my college nickname was "cute as a button" because I was so darn chipper and cute, like an LOLcat. And I'm grouchy not because of the PCP, but I feel like I got a second chance and I am not doing so hot with it. And I wish I was one of those people who when life got them down they got angry or used that to overcome adversity but really I am just deeply sad and a little frightened, which is maybe worse. I don't feel like I am strong enough physically or mentally or emotionally these days to deal with my life, let alone the PCP.

That being said, skinny jeans still fit, I rarely think about all the Halloween candy around me and I'm only a few pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.

Eat Pray Love

In the last 48 hours, I've had a few different people from different parts of my life comment on "how skinny I am getting." One noticed my arms (welcome to the gun show! pow pow!). I felt embarrassed yet pleased. My instinct was to brush it off. It felt weird; I guess I wasn't sure how to feel about it. Truth is, PCP is really the last thing on my mind these days; I feel like a little zombie and there is not joy in it for me. I'm just a little robot trying to complete task. And that's not a reflection on the PCP ... just I'm spending a lot of time dealing with this transitional time in my life concerning parenting, money, and two very different schedules and lifestyles. I look forward to when I can stop worrying about the PCP. Though tonight when I ran to the store to get a few things, I picked up a box of hot cocoa mix, but then put it back. PCP, I can't quit you ...

When It Rains, It Pours

I'm holding on, people, by my fingertips. When I'm not doing have-tos, I'm laying down to heal my brain and heart. Bad news is coming in. Some of it directly affects me. The world, my world maybe, feels like a difficult and scary place at the moment. There is light at the end of the tunnel; I just hope it's not a train.

I know there is good. Fred and Sidney continue to pop a little more. The scale reads a lower number for multiple days (so it must be true, right?). I may need a belt with my skinny jeans; I really hate belts though. And then there's the kid who doesn't ask about Chinese food or Oreos as often. I continue to have a hankering for celery. I struggle with trying to eat enough, sleep enough, move enough, be enough to those in my life. The other day I was questioning if the PCP is just selfish and vain in the pursuit of eye-candy bodies or something that makes us better so we can better serve those important to us, by sticking around longer with better health AND eye-candy bodies.

I miss my old jumprope.

Crisis

Ugh my free time the last few days have been occupied by small fires in my personal life, so I do as much of the exercises (admittedly not all, usually anything involving a bar) as I can in the late night before exhaustion sends me to bed. One of these crisis is with the ex (seriously, don't ever get divorced, it totally, totally, totally, totally sucks), which is a major life changer and will be ongoing, and one was minor and with the child (who probably had H1N1 this week since experts say it's too early for seasonal flu; she's doing better now and went back to school today).

And of course you all know my jumprope broke and I hope to right after I post this to run to a store and hunt one down. The ones at Target were NOT like my beloved jumprope so I'm on a mission, a mission from GAWD, to find a worthy replacement. Also, I'm probably not eating enough historically during these highly stressful times I tend to lose my appetite AND not sleep well) but when I eat it's PCP things (having a thing for green beans, as well as celery lately). So there's that.

Day 104 (Day 70 Revisited): Mountains or Molehills?

- I broke my jumprope while jumping in my second set of jumps tonight. At $1.99 from Target, though, it served me well! Guess I'll get a new one tomorrow.

- I tried some Greek yogurt. Fage brand. First, a tiny spoonful. I made a face. But it was better than regular yogurt! I consider this progress. I then dipped some celery into it. Better! I still hate yogurt. But I tried another new food, thanks to the PCP and PCPers.

- The weather has been cold (in the 20s and snowy) the last few days, and the kid and I both have this sneezy/coughing business going on. She's on the couch now, with a fever and aches. Poor thing. I bought some orange juice for us to drink, and while it may not be PCP, it historically helped in fighting sickness so bottoms up! *sigh* It just feels impossible during times like this to PCP.

Day 102 (Day 68 Revisited): Baby It's Cold Outside

Here is what I woke up to today:

This is my backyard patio, complete with homegrown pumpkins.
Brrr.
It's still snowing.
Temperatures outside: mid 20s Fahrenheit.
Temperature in the closed garage (my new exercise spot):
40 degrees Fahrenheit.
Brrr.
Wish me luck.

Day 101 (Day 66 Revisited): Palate Ponderings

I still hate yogurt. Like really, really hate it. Really. Really really really.
I like pears. Bosc >Bartlett
I might become a vegetarian after this. Or a pescatarian.
I might keep protein shakes in my life after this.
I still hate bananas.
I like apples. Not all of them though.
I like vegetables more than fruit still.
I crave vegetables.
I crave GrapeNuts.
I still crave brownies. Just smaller brownies.
I wonder why they are called GrapeNuts.
I like steak better than chicken.
I like pork better than chicken.
I don't know when I stopped liking chicken.

Day 99 (Day 64 Revisited): Stone Soup

Fall is here in Colorado, and it's very pretty out. Ironic, isn't it, that I link to one of my fave local bloggers, whose web site is userealbutter.com. (Follow @userealbutter on Twitter! She did a presentation last month I attended on "Food Porn." It was HOT.)

Anyhoo, I love this time of year. Traditionally, I stocked up on the following:
- maple & brown sugar flavor oatmeal
- one box of Cream of Wheat
- cinnamon
- brown sugar
- other baking staples, such as white sugar, white flour, baking soda, baking powder, that spray-on butter+flour for pans, wax paper, foil
- one canister of hot cocoa
- staples to make soups and chili

The cooler weather, dare I even say wintry considering this weekend Boulder is expecting snow to fall??!?!?, just puts me in the mood to bake something wonderful in the oven and have a pot of something delicious on the stove. It warms the house, it warms my soul.


Ever read the children's book, "Stone Soup"? One of my childhood favorites.

Anyhoo, with the onset of autumn, I feel kind of lost without this ritual at the moment and, considering I was hoping to be done with the PCP by now, I'm feeling a bit wistful, too. I mean, the PCP has given me great insight into my eating habits, which were indeed naughty, the true culprit of my softening middle and bubble butt, but I like soup. I wonder if I can make a PCP-friendly soup. Or a version of soup (hot food in a bowl). Tomatoes, mushrooms, a protein? No salt, of course. Perhaps a stone?

Day 98 (Day 63 Revisited): Me Dress Pretty One Day

New pic! Had to show off my new shirt. I bought two new ones to PCP in. Boo yah! They're purty. They're mediums. Did I mention they're purty?

Mom and Kid Sister left this morning. The mood lifted in my house. I had a craving for green beans. I also awoke at 6:30a.m. to jump rope in my closed, empty garage, which was a cool 58 degrees inside (warmer than outside!). Fall in Colorado is here, which means anything from sunny glorious days to weather like this week, which is rainy, overcast and ... a forecast of snow this weekend? I wonder if those purty tops come in long sleeve.

Day 96 (Day 61 Revisited):

I've got to make this quick, as I've got two giant baskets of fresh laundry to fold, a quiet house and quickly evaporating energy.

Busy hosting Mom + Kid Sister. But it's been easy to jump ropes in the a.m. before we head out for the day and do strength in the p.m. once we got back. I was wheezy during the entire day today despite the inhaler. Oh well. That's fall for ya. I'm also craving soup. Speaking of cravings ... I've been very disciplined about sweets and such. And then ... my mom baked brownies last night.

Oh. My. God. TORTURE! And from my own mother!

I should have known. Now I've been able to resist baked goods and ice cream, my two sweet weaknesses, before no problem. But this time, I smelled the brownies baking. I'm a sucker for a warm, gooey brownie. And then I watched Mom + Kid Sister eat them. Kid Sister even got to take the two center brownies, my favorites coz they don't have any crusty sides. And then smell, the SMELL!, was all in my house.

I took a bath.

When I was done, everyone had gone to bed. I went downstairs and looked at the pan. I left it uncovered overnight in an attempt to ruin their gooey goodness. The pan is half gone today. At least by not my hands.

Day 94 (Day 59 Revisited): The Good Daughter

My mom thinks I'm crazy: I worked out this morning (4 minutes x 4 sets) and then I worked out tonight (strength exercises). And today on our trip into Boulder, I bought two new tank tops to exercise in for another boost of motivation. But you worked out yesterday ...

So my Mom .... I love Mom. We aren't much alike but she allowed me to shine and be who I am. Her mother didn't allow that for her, and Mom's personality quirks could have followed suit but she didn't. It's a miracle I am hers. Haven't seen her in three years because of time and money on both our parts. She drove out to CO with my Kid Sister, who is 8, from Kentucky. They are visiting for a week; they leave Monday morning. Mom has always been the Dieter. As a kid, I remember the Dexatrim bottle on the counter. Then the various fad diets. Then the pans of brownies and cake that were gone quickly. The XXL tees she scored from the Dollar Store. Sometimes she was heavy; other times she was gaunt. As for exercise, she liked to walk; her timid, cautious and low-key personality prevented her from really trying anything beyond that. She's been into Curves the last year, but stopped going earlier this summer; her reasons were vague. She does, however, wear these Velcro sandals with curved soles which "help" you tone muscle as you walk (?!?!??). I just nod uh-hmmmmm!


Oh yah. This is them. Imagine them with white athletic socks. And sweatpants.

It makes me angry at these companies who sucker these women in; I also am frustrated with these women, including my dear and well-intentioned mother. Sure, she is trimmer than I have seen her in the past but I wouldn't say healthy. On the first day of her visit, we got into a debate because she believes that organic chocolate milk is healthier than regular chocolate milk, therefore she allows Kid Sister to have "only" two glasses of organic chocolate milk PER DAY. I walk downstairs, and Kid Sister starts the day off with 1. a glass of choc milk 2. a chocolate PopTart. Lunch is fries and a shake and a burger patty. Every day she has had a bowl of chocolate covered raisins. Every day so far there have been treats in addition to these "meals." Kid Sister got winded walking around the block with us! As a mother and a PCPer, I totally cringe. I mean, my kid gets the occasional Oreo or whatever but she also gets fruit, vegs and unbreaded protein every day. And Kid Sister prefers to sit on the couch than hit the playground or backyard to play with my Kid, much to Mini Me's dismay. But if I try to engage Mom about their exercise and food habits, she is vague, changes the subject, or shuts down completely. As a former newspaper reporter, I am used to pressing people for details or seeing through the smoke and mirrors to get to the goods. But handling my mom in this manner seems cruel so I have to stop the inquisition and highlighting the giant holes in her beliefs. But I don't want to give up on her.