Photo of my friend's backyard yesterday. Yep, there's even more snow today.Hello, hello. Just chillin' in my house. No, really. It's like 20 degrees outside with a foot of snow on the ground and it started snowing again just now. Boulder got 21 inches of snow. Um, it's October, people. It's flippin' cold in my garage and my car is now parked in it. No jumpropes for me the last two days. Just some arm bands and stomach exercises but really I would like the PCP to be over with so it's this thing I want to do again. I'm in survival mode. My little crisis with my ex just hangs over my head, and will do so for the next two weeks at least, and not to sound bitter or melodramatic but it makes things like counting grams and and exercising until failure seem unimportant.
I got to thinking about sacrifice lately. And I think you really need to be in the right mindset to complete the PCP. I'll finish it in a few days and I will be really glad, but I don't feel like I completed it the way I could have or should have or hoped for. I think about maybe not being in the right mindset, or how I was and how I am not anymore. I'll be glad when it's over not because I can eat an indulgence I want but it will just be one less thing to do, to worry about. I guess I don't know if I am cut out for the PCP, though I do think about reviving it in January maybe when or if life resumes a sense of normalcy. Remember when life was boring? Right now there is too much drama; I've cried every night for the last two weeks. I find the strength to get out of bed and put on a fake smile for the kid. I feel like I don't have any strength left beyond that really. There is a reason the PCP doesn't take on new people during these wintry months, I suppose. Holidays, travel, weather. My little family dynamic is changing drastically fast and financial worries crowd into my brain. I didn't expect this. It feels like a bomb went off. I feel derailed. Half-hearted. I still pay attention to my food choices, but I could care less if I eat another yogurt ever in my life. ;) Sure I'm grouchy and I apologize because, really, I am a fun person and my college nickname was "cute as a button" because I was so darn chipper and cute, like an LOLcat. And I'm grouchy not because of the PCP, but I feel like I got a second chance and I am not doing so hot with it. And I wish I was one of those people who when life got them down they got angry or used that to overcome adversity but really I am just deeply sad and a little frightened, which is maybe worse. I don't feel like I am strong enough physically or mentally or emotionally these days to deal with my life, let alone the PCP.
That being said, skinny jeans still fit, I rarely think about all the Halloween candy around me and I'm only a few pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.
Dear Melanie --
ReplyDeleteI'd like to say I know what you're going through (don't you HATE it when people say that?), but that's not true. While I too have been through the pain and torment of a divorce, no two experiences are the same.
What I will say is that I know kind of what you're dealing with. I also know in my darkest hours after the dissolution of my own marriage, it would have been difficult (if not impossible) to power through something as intense as the PCP. So, I hope you will see the achievements you have made and honor the strength you have built in the last few months.
Over the course of my 40 years, I've learned that it's helpful to find a healthy outlet in rocky times. My own divorce brought me to yoga, and it was exactly what I needed. There on the mat, I found a connection between outer strength and inner strength. Yoga was a lifeline for me, even if I only came to class to simply breathe.
Whatever your outlet may be, I hope that it sends you through the mess and out to the other side. And there is another side.
Lastly, I'll share my favorite quote that kept me moving forward in those dark days:
"When you're going through Hell, it's best to keep going." -- Winston Churchill
Stay Strong --
Shelly
First off, there is no way you are 40. You are HAWT.
ReplyDeleteSecond, thank you so much for your kind words. It often feels like no one else has suffered in this way, but obviously that is not true and women have dealt with way worse circumstances than I. I wish I was Super Woman, but I hide out, I hide low to maintain ... like when a tornado is out and you hit the cellar. You come out when it's over. I feel like in a few weeks when this is all over with and I have the space and the schedule to be me again, I'll get back to the fun stuff. Besides, I like how you said I should honor my strength and PCP experience. I like that statement a lot. I'm so excited what the PCP has given me thus far, and so am excited to maintain it and truly finish it without dramatic distraction.
Thanks, Shelly. You rock.